Monday, February 28, 2011

warning: in which i talk about *feelings*

excuse me a bit of self-indulgence. if you can't excuse it, well skip this post and everyone's happy.



so at some point last week (Thursday? Friday?) i got excited about writing. i don't know when i stopped being excited about writing - i want to say at the start of winter, but really, i didn't write much over the summer. this lethargy seems to have started sometime last winter. it hasn't helped that i've been sick (the doctor's helpful advice was 'sometimes people just stay sick'). a constant stuffed-head feeling is not particularly motivating. not all of this lethargy is related to writing: some of it comes from job anxiety, some from the sleepless nights that come after any event where i interact with people because man they must think i'm so stupid and why did i say that and i'm so awkward and unlikeable, some of it comes from that grad-student feeling of 'i'm not smart enough to be here and hold my own with these brilliant people,' and some of it definitely links to the weather. there have been a lot of days in the past few months where getting out of bed did not seem like a feasible achievement. i wanted really badly to quit. school, writing, everything. but i can't afford to quit: i have grants that would need to be paid back if i left the program unfinished. i'm financially obligated to see this thing through. i've just lost sight of why i'm here, studying for an MA. i mean, why am i studying for an MA? to give myself time to write . . . except i haven't made good use of that time, and suddenly there is no time and i'm too busy to get everything done. well that's life, and it was poor management on my part.

why am i talking about this?

well because i suddenly feel like myself again. and i've had few moments like this over the past couple years, and i know i need to leverage this momentum so that when i start feeling mopey again i don't just fizzle out. i want my thesis done by the end of summer. i have to assemble a chapbook of student writing for my job by April. i have to be more disciplined, and not let myself feel so overwhelmed and so hopeless. this is one of the reasons why i decided to post Of Wyrms and Women. It is work i've already done, so with relatively little effort i can achieve something (a blog post) every week. not much of an achievement, but it's within my reach. i've also added a poem to my thesis for the first time in nearly two months. my thesis is a huge problem: i've not been honest with myself (or others) about what a terrible state it's in. i'm behind. really behind. i still think i can pull it off, and part of that is that over the weekend i actually bought some books, and requested others from the library. small steps. i do still like my thesis project, and i still think i can write a badass academic component for it. badass indeed.

i also have an idea for a new project once my thesis is done. something different. something i want to write NOT for school. this is progress, because now i have something i want to do once my MA is done. before, well i had no idea. i couldn't really imagine being done, that there would be an after. so. this is where things stand. march and april are going to be busy months, so this clarity of self won't last. but this is some kind of progress.

i had my birthday last week. maybe i leveled up all at once, and this is the result. a year's worth of experience, a +1 to Con, +1 to Int, thank you now i can complete this dungeon crawl.

2 comments:

  1. yay, excellent to hear you got new wind in your sails. these slumps do crumple in time.

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